Polaroid Photography

I Didn't Get to Say Goodbye is a Polaroid series spanning from 2020 to 2024, reaching a total of 74 photos in total. The series was displayed in the Ulster University Exhibition for Final Year Students, titled Contemplation's.

I have always had trouble looking forward in life, I struggled to find an idea of where I was going and what I wanted to do. I fell easily into looking back, getting absorbed into memories of better or easier times. The feeling of nostalgia or aching to return to a better place than the one I was currently in, forgetting that I was actually worse then, but because I was able to put a smile on while being on a beach made me even fool myself that I was happy. Everything felt so dreamlike, I was moving forward with my life while staying in the same place mentally. Then I woke up one day, with the thought that it was time to stop running from it. Forget about the things that have hurt me and start trying to help myself. I realised that I didn’t want to be here forever, I started trying to look forward.

I stopped taking photos for others, where we all sat and tried to look our best, posed and poised. I started trying to capture real memories, authentic moments in my life where I wasn’t trying to trick anyone into believing I was happy. I wanted to experience something real, no filters or second or third shots of the same thing. One photo, one moment, one happy memory. I wanted to feel alive again. And that is what I did. I picked up my Polaroid and brought it everywhere I could. I forgot I had it a lot of the time, because I was too busy being with the people I loved. When I did remember, I tried not to warn anybody it was happening, I let them show their teeth when they laughed or had bad posture, I decided that those things didn’t matter to me anymore.

I kept the photos of all of my bad memories as well, people I didn’t like or would no longer talk to. I think it’s important to remember how you got to where you are. The bad memories pushed me to move forward. I can look at the people in the photos and it no longer hurts as much. I’m happy for the memories they gave me and feel proud of myself that I got out, I ended that situation, I still moved forward.